It has only taken me 16 years!

Hi everybody. This is one of those blogs where you may feel like you've been given TMI. If you are generally uncomfortable reading about the intimacies of others, please stop reading. THe rest who devour the stuff...read on!

I don't know why it has taken me only 16 years to have this epiphany! I was to busy being in the moment to observe it I guess. I know this is sounding greater than the reality of it, but to me, it has given me great insight.

So, the other day, Andy and I were bickering about some mundane detail over which we disagreed. We all have these right! While I think Andy and I have been tamed by time, we still engage in this bantering back and forth. I have already known that this type of communication does not mean the same thing to Andy that it does to me. I take it more lightly than does my significant other and know that it doesn't speak of impending doom.

The thing that you must know about Andy and me to get my epiphany is that Andy does not like to be directly questioned about things and I am a bottom line kind of girl! I want the bottom line; I don't want the details (to me the devil is in the details), just tell me what I need to know. (I think my impatience gets me everytime). So, I was trying to get information from Andy on the topic of which we were disagreeing. And then the next thing I knew, our line of communication changed and we were fighting over the line of questioning. And then it hit me! Seriously, I don't know why this didn't hit me before now, but the conflict became as much about the way we were communicating as what created the conflict in the first place! I can't tell you how many times our conversations became focused on how I said what and why did I say it that way and so on. It became as much about the way we communicated as the actual thing we were fighting over. With my wanting a "bottom line" I don't want to hear the details, but with Andy not wanting to be directly questioned--he doesn't like being tied down to a "bottom line;" he likes to leave things open to the possibilities.

What my epiphany is is that we didn't get our problem worked out because our way of communicating often created its own conflict which interfered with our solving the problem. It created an extra layer. I hope that recognizing that we communicate differently during our "talks" will help us keep our focus on the problem rather than our communication. Am I being naive to think that knowing this will alter our habits? I truly hope so, not that I'm being naive, but that it will help us focus.

But that raises another point I also recently recognized. Andy and I express love differently. I feel loved when I get compliments and he feels love when his house is clean. Oops. That explains why he cleans so darn much and it explains why I have given him compliments every day of our married lives!! Let's hope the stars align so we don't always feel like star crossed lovers!! And yet, I love him more today than I could have ever imagined 16 years ago!