These is My Words

Dearest Diary,

I am about to bare my soul, so if you don't like the familiarity, please disregard this entry~(ignore it, print it out and burn it, stomp on it, but just don't laugh at it)! You see, I had a great insight today when I was taking care of my brother's two smallest children. Jake is 9 months and Kyle is 4. It might surprise you to know that recently the idea of a fourth child has been a topic of conversation between Andy and me, more than it has been in the last seven years. Andy has always said he wants a fourth; I have been the halting force. Noah even said the other day that he would like us to have a fourth child so he can take care of it. (An aside: right Noah, in between school, soccer practice, basketball practice, play dates, boy scouts).

Move forward to today. I was excited to get my hands on baby Jake. He is a completely happy baby, who has nothing but love to share. Kyle is a little more rambunctious, but no less cute. And the two together....pure joy on my radar screen. Today Brenna had a playdate that lasted as long as a school day; Noah had a basketball game, a birthday party and a playdate afterwards; and Tobin had a playoff football game in the freezing cold. Seriously, it was cold--33 degrees. Andy took Tobin because he always takes Tobin (which is fine with me because they want him there over an hour early--I know, ridiculous). I was left to bundle, and stuff Jake into his hat, full-body fleece, winter coat, gloves, and then stuff him into his car seat. All the while, I had to help Kyle do the same thing. Then I was left to re-stuff the diaper bag full of diapers, change of clothes, bottle, toys, cheerios, wipes, and vaseline! (I emptied it trying to find a non-existent pacifier (Jake doesn't take one)). And then I had to stuff the car full of diaper bag, stroller, blankets, snacks, my own coat and gloves, purse, a packback with clothes that I had to gather for Tobin so he would be able to go out after the game, and the kids (while the last seems obvious, I haven't quite done this in a while). There was a rhythm that began to emerge as I engaged in the stuffing; I felt like I was getting ready for the stuffing of Thanksgiving.
And then I got to the game venue and had to figure out how to unpack this all and transport it and the children to the bleachers. Might I remind you, it was freezing cold!! The only hiccup was that Kyle forgot his gloves and his little hands were exposed to the cold. He was a real trooper, though!

And then it happened. My insight. The. fact. that. if. I. had. another. child. this. would. be. my. existence. and. it. would. take. me. further. away. from. the. children. I. already. have. especially. Tobin. As it stands, Noah still finds my hair way too fasicnating to ignore it or me (by association) and constantly is playing with it and asking me to cuddle with him so he can get ahold of it. Brenna as the youngest, who loves being the youngest, loves to cuddle still and as a girl, we shop, do our nails, do her hair, all the things the boys have no interest in. But Tobin....Tobin is my heart that resides the farthest outside my body. He no longer cuddles, he no longer whispers sweet nothing in my ear, and as of late, the I love yous no longer come as easy. I can feel he feels close to Andy because of the whole sports connection. As it is, I am left on the sidelines to be an observer of what they are participants. Did I really want to bench myself, even further away (like having to be home so a baby could nap)??? For me, the answer was a resounding NO!

Thanks Michelle and Todd, you gave me far more than I gave you today.